Beards are overrated and you know it

At least to everyone who doesn't have one...

A lesbian told me she knew she was gay when the thought of kissing a bearded man triggered her gag reflex. An idea which gave me great pause. I’d long believed my tomboyish nature was simply that. But if the lesbian code begins with “We the ladies of the roof-racked hatchbacks hereby disavow all things beard” then I had some soul-searching to do.

I jest. I’m not a lesbian, but like the sisters who’re not fond of the misters, I find beards overrated and a little icky. Scratchy. Some are so long and overgrown, I fear they’re hiding the three blind mice. Here, a visual aid:

Yeah, that is not a beard. That’s a bacterial ecosystem.

---

Yet nothing is as worthy of defense as the cheek bristles to the Band of Bearded Brothers. It’s as if the whiskers are not mere hairs but the source of the grower’s pride.

It is this unbridled ferocity of defense that tickled my curiosity. Why is there such a religious passion expressed by those who cultivate the chin and throat thatch?

If you’re wondering when I’m going to snip the beard euphemisms, me too. Let’s see how many more I’ve got in me, shall we?

In my short quest to understand why men raise defense in the face of criticism directed at the hairs on their chinny-chin-chins, I learned something new about the Y-chromosome. Something which should’ve been as obvious as the carefully placed rug on their frowning mug.

A beard to a man is makeup to a woman.

Hear me out.

Women have concealer. Contour. Blush. Makeup directs visual traffic to the feature valued most, while deemphasizing less attractive features. Yet most men would rather admit they cry during RomComs than wander into a Sephora for their self-beautification.

Therefore men do what men do best: use nature’s gifts to their advantage. Grow the hair, contour the face. Haven’t a chin? Chisel in a mutton chop. Jawline a blur? Photoshop it with follicles. Acne a-poppin? Slap some stubble over those skin bubbles.

A well-trimmed beard adds value to an otherwise average face.

Do not take offense at the mention of “average.” Most of us are. A woman will moisturize, prime, roll on, cut in and detail. A man might take a few strategic snips. Sure, the morning routines differ in both time and scale but the ultimate goal is the same: working with and improving what we’ve got.

Unity between the sexes is attainable after all.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t confess that gentlemen with square jawlines are better served, in this woman’s opinion, to reveal rather than conceal. But for many, if not most men, a manicured beard can only enhance.

A manicured beard. Not to be confused with an overgrown chin hedge. The year is 2022 gentlemen, not 2. We have tools in the modern era that aren’t the sharpened edge of a mastodon’s tusk. And yes I would (and do) criticize ladies who fail to understand the purpose of a comb. So please. Still thy flapping man mammaries. Scissors, nippers, and razors are like brushes, wands and pencils. We’re all in it to win it, I’m just revealing the open secret hiding behind the face coif.

Admittedly, I get a giggle thinking about a man’s reaction were I to offer an unsolicited suggestion that he “shouldn’t have as much beard” much the same way some men tell women “you shouldn’t wear so much makeup.”

Point proven?

A beard is decorative. It serves a purpose, sure, but not a profound one. Women who dislike beards are like men who dislike a woman’s smattering of face paint. We’re all allowed our preferences. Opinions on what the opposite sex does to become more attractive, either for themselves or for the benefit of others, are allowed. It is for this reason I say the beard is overrated. Especially those beards which push the limits of hygiene. Well.

Remember: it is not the beard that makes the man. It is the man who makes the beard.